My friend John was recently quoted as saying “my phone doesn’t understand emojis, and neither do I”.  He’s actually quite happy with his phone.  It has nice buttons.  It has a screen that allows you to read texts, albeit one word at a time. And, it fits in his pocket – well almost.  I sometimes wonder why he doesn’t upgrade to one of those sleek new models with the touchscreen and six zillion megapixel camera.  “Simple”, he says, “I don’t need it.”  Need? Who said anything about need?  “And besides”, he continues, “those upgrades are always more hassle than they’re worth”.

This brings to mind my recent conversation with a guy with an unusual name.  Nanette and I are off on our usual mid-year pilgrimage to Canada to visit the grandkids, oh, and their parents as well. As is our habit, we’re flying with our friends at Air New Zealand.  This time is extra special because we’ve received an email that says we’re such special customers that we qualify for one complimentary sector upgrade sometime this year.  While we’ve always been happy with our usual spot in the “not quite near the front” section of the plane, ever since we heard about the upgrade offer, Nanette and I have been dreaming of luxury.  “Maybe they’ll have special slippers!”  “And silk eye masks”. “And I’ve heard that the seat turns into a real queen size bed – with feather pillows!”

With these rapturous visions floating across my mind, I grab the number for what I believe is Air NZ Australia.  Ring ring. “Hello, Ear New Zullund, Berry spicking.”  I realise (almost) at once that they must have transferred my call across the ditch (or the dutch as the Kiwis call it), but no worries.  “Ah yes Berry, I have an email here that says my wife and I have Super Duper Status, and we can claim a complimentary upgrade”.   Things go quiet at the other end.  “Hello Berry?  You still there mate?”  A sort of disgruntled voice comes back “Yes, I’m still here.  I’m just chicking for you – and, my name’s Berry”.  How strange that he felt the need to repeat that.  “I can uffer you en epgrade from Ockland to Unvercargull in Dicimber if thit suits”.  “Hmm, not quite sure where those places are, but can you please upgrade our seats for the long-haul flight to Vancouver in June?  Business class will be fine.”  A shorter silence.  “Ok, all done.  How do you want to pay for thit?”

Pay? Pay?  I realise he’s probably just a bit slow on the uptake.  “Ah, there must be some mistake Berry.  Like I said, we have Super Duper Status.  It gives us a complimentary upgrade – you know – for free.”  “Yes, and if you want the Unvercargull flight I kun do ut right away, otherwise you’ll hev to wait tull sux or sivin days before the flight, and I can’t gurruntee inything – unless you want to pay the ixtra of course.”  I definitely don’t want to pay any “ixtras”, so I just ask Berry to put us on the list and we’ll wait for the good news.

One week goes by, then two, and still no email from Air NZ.  I buckle under the pressure and decide to call again.  What a relief, it’s a lady’s voice this time. “Hello, Ear New Zullund, Meary spicking”.  “Ah, hi Meary, I’m just ringing to check on my upgrade?”  “Sorry, I don’t hendle thet, I’ll just switch you through to Berry.”

As the ever-wise John would say, sometimes, chasing upgrades is more trouble than it’s worth.

Arriving in Sydney – no upgrade yet